time to transition

It was time for my annual eye doctor appointment, so this past week I found myself sitting in a dim room, chatting with a friendly nurse.  The small talk lasted a few minutes and after laughing about kids and husband stories, she glanced at my chart and turned to me…

“So you’re a high-school math teacher?”

I froze.

It’s been a while since the decision was made and I’ve had two beautiful months of summer break to ease into the idea, but I still have times of confusion and sadness when I remember I’m not going back to teaching this fall.

Back in March, I approached my principal and superintendent with a proposal to keep my part-time schedule for another year or two.  After a few weeks and a lot of drama, I was denied my request and forced to make a huge decision. 

I chose to resign.

Everyone has defining labels, some are chosen and some are given to us.  I have officially been ‘a math teacher’ for six years, but to be honest, it goes back much further.  I knew what I wanted my career to be when I was in high school and as soon as I started college classes, I identified myself as a teacher.  As life goes on, I learn more about myself and continually add new labels to my identity.  Whether we like it or not, we are categorized and labeled throughout our entire lives. 

What took me by surprise was that I would swap one of my most defining labels for a new one:

Stay-At-Home Mom

Did you know we have our own acronym? I’m now a “SAHM” instead of “high school math teacher” (or “Satan” as some former students had fondly named me).

I get a lot of mixed reactions when people hear my big news.  When other SAHMs find out, the reaction is “Oh! You must be so excited!”  Friends without kids react more along the lines of “Ummm, wow. That’ll be a change.” And my personal favorite is the random look of *you are crazy* while smiling and saying “Fuuuunn.”  The thing is, I haven’t figured out how I am reacting.  Am I excited to stay home? Am I sad about leaving the high school? Am I relieved to pack up my room? Or am I panicked to swap grading papers for play-dates and baby talk? 

D. All of the above

I am terrified to walk away from this part of my identity… even if it is temporary.  I never thought I would choose to be a SAHM, but I always knew I would be a teacher.  It’s a scary transition and I don’t know if anyone is ever completely ready to make the jump.  But I’m doing it. Bring on the play-dates and trips to the library. 

My own mother was a stay-at-home mom and I have to give her credit… she rocked it.  We had magical days at the park and countless trips to ‘Story-time’ (at multiple libraries I might add).  So when the end of August rolls around, even though I might be sad and feel a little confined by this new identity, I’m going to embrace it.  I’m excited to spend the days with Henry (and the new baby once October rolls around) so I’m going to focus on that and remember that my ‘high-school teacher’ label is just sitting in storage for a while, waiting for the year I choose to put it back on. 

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice 

will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."

~Gordon B. Hinkley

When #2 is really #3

I’m a numbers person.  I like to make decisions knowing the risk, even though I tend to look toward the positive chances, no matter how small.  I’m an optimist, but also a numbers person.  For an example, I look at the chances of 1 in 5… and in most situations it’s worth the risk.  I change the ratio, looking to percentages, and determine how much 20% will really alter my perspective. 

Would you play a game if you only had a 20% chance of losing?  Of course! But what if I told you that 20% chance of loss could be absolutely devastating; a soul-crushing experience that would leave you broken? Would you change your mind?

1 in 5 pregnancies will end in a miscarriage.

One of the harshest experiences of my entire life happened last November, when waves of pain wracked my body and we flew to the emergency room.  Hours later, my husband and I quietly drove home to spend the next few weeks mourning the loss of a baby we would never get to meet in this life.

When I was pregnant with Henry, miscarriage was a fear, but one that was more of a myth than a reality.  My grandmother had five pregnancies followed by five healthy babies.  My mother had the same experience with her five pregnancies.  I had no idea the miscarriage statistics when I was pregnant the first time, but 20% chance of miscarriage made my family history the abnormality.

It has taken a long time to heal.  I’ve tried to write about it time and time again, but the words would get stuck and each post would end up in the trash. 

Time passes.

The beautiful thing about time is that it can bring peace slowly and carefully; you’re oblivious to your healing, until one day you sit up and realize you are okay.  I will always have a missing piece from my heart for baby #2… but that’s something I've discovered many mothers can understand. 

“There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning”

A baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death is known as a ‘rainbow baby.’  Tim and I are expecting our own little rainbow baby this October and while we are beyond blessed and excited, this pregnancy has been so very different than that of Henry’s.  I have been plagued by nightmares and anxiety attacks before my OB appointments; holding my breath until my doctor finds that beautiful, hurried heartbeat.  At eleven weeks, the chances of miscarriage are drastically reduced to less than 1%, but crossing that milestone (when we lost baby #2) was necessary before we could spread the news beyond our immediate family.

I’ve reached 22 weeks, and while the morning sickness is gone and the bump is highly visible, I still wake up in the middle of the night and wait to feel a small flutter in my abdomen before I can fall back asleep.  Every kick has turned into a small celebration and even Tim has had a few chances to feel this beautiful little peanut roll around in his or her comfy home.  This baby is so loved and I pray every night that we get the chance to meet a happy, healthy baby in October. 

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope.” 

~Maya Angelou

the wild blue yonder

One of my seniors has been contemplating joining the military after graduation.  Her boyfriend is already serving, so she has been going back and forth on her decision, weighing the pros and cons during discussions with her friends.  Eventually, her curiosity got the best of her and she turned to me and asked what my feelings were about the military.

Little did she know, that was the very question I had been wrestling with for almost two weeks now.  How do I feel about the military? Well, sometimes I love it… and sometimes I hate it.

That’s right, I love and hate the military of the United States of America.

Now before you brush me off as just another peace-loving, flower-child liberal, you need to know that I have been in a relationship with the U.S. Air Force for the last eleven years.  I’ve mailed letters every day during basic training, celebrated Christmas on a military base in Texas, cooked turkey for airmen in Mississippi, and stayed home for countless trainings and guard weekends.  In 2014, my husband spent more time with fellow airmen then he did with me.   Over the course of our marriage, he has been gone for slightly more than 54 weeks.

An entire year of my marriage has been spent alone.

I don’t sit here typing this with a ‘woe-is-me’ attitude.  I accept this life.  I love my husband and who he has become through his military experiences.  So what do I tell this young lady?  Well, I’m going to stick with the honest truth… this life is HARD.

I know, I know… just like Eric Matthews tells us:

I do have love for the Air Force.  I’m grateful for the opportunities my husband has had, the freedom I enjoy every day, blah, blah, blah…

But that is not my reality right now.

Right now, I’m overly anxious thinking about the 10-day trip right around the corner.  Thankfully, his job as a firefighter has me practiced in the art of midnight diaper changes on my own, but this will be the longest I’ve been without him since Henry was born.  10 days pre-Henry?  What a joke!  10-days post-Henry?  I’m gonna need more wine.

Once I make it through this training experience, I get a bit of a breather… but the problem is, the big D-word is popping up more and more.  (‘deployment’ for you non-military types)

I thought being a military wife was tough, but I never understood what it meant to be a military wife AND mother at the same time.  Hats off to those moms (and dads) out there doing it on their own during deployments and training.  I have this friend from high school… let’s call her Jane… and she married her military man only one year after graduation.  The year after that, this brave woman welcomed her first baby.  Now, almost 11 year later, she lives in paradise with her husband and two girls… over 4,000 miles from our small hometown.  In high school, I was unable to move past the petty drama and appreciate this woman and her unnerving strength.  Today, as a wife and mother, I am empowered by her story.  I look at the sacrifices she made and the challenges she still faces… if Jane can do it so can I. 

When I focus in on my anxiety, my love/hate relationship with the military is not really the cause.  I am secretly terrified of the changes happening in my life. As a mother, I feel fragile in this new skin and I’m frightened to upset the peace I’ve just barely settled into.  With this training coming up, followed by a long deployment, I know my world is once more about to alter. 

I pray for the strength and courage to transform.

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” - Socrates

What it means to TRI

The world of triathlons is an exciting one; it is bursting with passionate athletes, full of fierce dedication.  Want to see a little crazy?  Wake up early on a Saturday morning and head to the nearest start line.  The grass is still wet with dew and the air is buzzing with anticipation; there are hundreds of people swinging arms in wetsuits or pumping up bike tires…  it’s truly an amazing sport.  Through the years, I’ve become familiar with the language and fluidity of the race.  I have grown to understand and love this community and their unique brand of insanity.

But I’m not infected by the passion; I don’t eat, sleep and breathe racing. 

I am the spectator.

I am the one behind the scenes… budgeting for new wheels and ordering energy gels.  When it’s time to train, I stay at home with the baby and the dog while my husband completes 19 mile runs and 100 mile rides.  There’s a wetsuit drying in my bathroom and bicycle grease on the carpet.

I am the spectator.

THE GOOD:

There's nothing quite like a race.

Here’s the thing; I love the races.  I really enjoy sticking my toes in the sand while Tim is swimming, or taking pictures through the transitions.  While he’s on the bike, I spend time playing peek-a-boo with Henry or walking Kali; and when he gets to the run, we make our way to the finish line to cheer him down the home stretch. 

I can also appreciate the way triathlons have shaped Tim, both physically ( and mentally.  I am lucky to have a husband who is so passionate about a sport that is nothing but good for him, body and soul.  He has such strong determination and pride for this tri-life… he is always trying to improve.  There are so many people out there who are complacent with their sedentary lives and never feel the need to push themselves and strive to be better.  I am blessed to have such a strong man who always yearns to be stronger.  He has passion for his sport, love and devotion for his family, and some pretty incredible leg muscles.

THE BAD:

Triathletes have to train.

The part no one talks about is the training time… and boy, is there training time.  Do you know how much time these triathletes need to train for a full distance tri?  Hundreds of thousands of hours! On a ‘heavy’ week, he will train for a couple hours every day… sometimes getting up to 15-17 hours by the end of the week.  Those ‘easy’ weeks end up cutting workout times down to an hour or so every day.  Even then, it’s a HUGE time commitment. 

One afternoon, I took Henry swimming at the Y while Tim did his swim workout.  I wasn’t in the pool ten minutes before he gave up the workout and came to play with Henry and I.  In times like that, I can see how difficult it is for Tim to sacrifice time with us to train.  But the problem is, I don’t always remember how difficult it is for Tim… I can only see how difficult it is for me.  The worst happens when Tim’s working and it’s been a rough day and night with the baby.  When he finally gets home the next morning, he has to turn around and head back out for a 4-hour bike ride.  And the days where he needs to complete a bike workout AND a run workout? Yikes! I’m sure bringing a new baby into the mix hasn’t helped, but these past 7 months of training have put a definite strain on our marriage.

THE UGLY:

A post-partum body can’t keep up with a triathlete.

Don’t get me wrong, I would do it all over again for that beautiful baby, but there are a lot of ugly things that happened to my body throughout pregnancy.  I gained nearly 70 pounds during those 9 months and I’m really struggling to lose it.  I’ve never had such a devastating combination of low self-esteem, postpartum depression, and poor body image.  Any woman who has looked at herself in the mirror after giving birth can understand… there is such a crazy mixture of emotions!  You proudly wear the battle scars; the stretch marks, the 8-inch scar (yeah, he was a BIG baby) and that sad little pooch of skin that refuses to shrink back to its original size.  On the other hand, you have concerns about your sex appeal or whether your pre-preggers jeans will ever fit again. With all of these emotions running rampant, I watch my husband with a plethora of feels… I want to shout for joy when he finishes another race and cry because I feel left behind.  I am inspired to run but devastated at how slow my body needs to go.  It can be exhausting.

In the end, it is a challenge for me.  I am not naturally drawn to exercise like my husband.  I am the one who hates every second until I’m about ten minutes into the workout.  I grudgingly put on my shoes and tell myself I have to do at least one lap at the park.  But I refuse to be sedentary. 

My husband deserves a wife who takes pride in her body.

My beautiful baby boy deserves a mom who can keep up with his boundless energy. 

And me?  

I’m going to swim/bike/run a half-iron triathlon with my husband… 

because I need to know I can.

~Changes~

Okay, it’s been a while since the last update (let’s be honest with each other… I’ve taken an extreme hiatus from writing) and there have been hundreds of changes over the last few months. 

The biggest change is actually the smallest… a little over fourteen pounds now. That’s right, I’m a mommy!  And while this absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me, no one can ever prepare you for the entire experience. 

Over the last twenty-eight years, I have had many different kinds of adventures.  I’ve had simple adventures like building blanket forts and playing in the leaves with my siblings.  I’ve had fancy adventures… walking the red carpet to my senior prom and drinking cocktails at my first opera.  I have gone on adventures with my sisters and brothers, with my husband and my friends.  Out of all of these experiences, nothing could prepare me for the biggest adventure…  and it started with a ten-pound, five-ounce bundle handed to me in the early hours on a Monday morning. 

Who knew life could change so suddenly? With no warning or fanfare… just simply Tim’s quiet voice, ‘it’s a boy’ and a small, strangled cry in the background.

...Life shifts…

Now my days are filled with strollers, car seats, burp rags, and pacifiers; my nights are broken up with 2 am feedings and diaper changes.  On one hand, I miss the ease of my ‘pre-mom’ life… leaving the house when I wanted, or having lunch when I got hungry.  On the other hand, I have this tiny human who smiles at me every morning and cuddles when he’s tired.  Even just the smallest coo can make me melt! 

Before this little guy made his way into the world, people warned me how little sleep I would get and how life would change completely.  Even though the first two weeks were pretty rough, I’ve determined I must be one of the lucky ones.  Perhaps it’s because he was a big baby or maybe it’s God’s way of giving me a rainbow after the storm that was my labor experience, but this baby sleeps anywhere from 6 to 9 hours at night.  And on the nights he does wake up, I spend those forty minutes awake, staring at the most beautiful face... so it's impossible to be upset. 

At the end of the day, I might be exhausted and smell like spit-up, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  He is perfect and I love him more than I ever thought I could.

Time to reflect...

 Well folks… another Walden class finished and a million more ideas to implement next school year! Haha! Sometimes I think I should spread out these classes so I can work with each set of tools before moving on to even more. Regardless, the course is coming to a close and I have so many great plans set up for next year.

My GAME plan was two separate parts and the first was to set up a learning community within my school and help the teachers move towards a more technology-infused base for their lessons.  Many teachers need help with the simple tasks with technology and I wanted to create a presentation to offer up a few examples of how they can integrate different technology tools in their lessons.  I met with our principal and the tech coordinator to set up a time I could present to the other teachers in my building.  Being the end of the school year, most of my plans were put on hold until the fall, but I have a presentation ready and a date set.  The other teachers within my department helped me come up with some basic uses of our Mimios (similar to SMART boards) I will present to the rest of the staff.

The second part of my game plan was to improve the morale of our staff.  To often the day-to-day drama bogs us down and my goal was to provide little reminders of why we started teaching in the first place.  I also am setting up a day to have a cookout in August to start our school year off on a good note.  I work with a lot of wonderful people and I know we could do a lot better in our own classrooms if we relied on each other just a little bit more.  Here’s hoping next year goes better than this past one!

This GAME plan setup is a great one to keep you continuously thinking of how to reach your goal.  To know you need a goal and some kind of action to follow through with is a great start, but also creating a monitoring plan with an evaluation is something we should definitely be teaching our students.  It’s a great method to follow anytime we are problem solving.

 The two main things I am taking away from this course is a new desire to incorporate more problem-based learning rather than lecture.  I think it is a remarkable way to have students teach themselves throughout experience rather than just giving them the information and asking them to just practice over and over until they understand.  I will try to incorporate as much technology as possible, i.e. blogging or using online collaboration with these problems, but that depends entirely on how much access I can get to computers at my school. 

The other huge part I am taking away from this course is the importance and possibilities associated with social networking.  I can use this to my benefit in many ways in my classroom and of course the students will be very appreciative that I am incorporating something they are familiar with.   There are so many wonderful plans I have for next school year and I’m glad I kept a log with all of my ideas so I can sort them out over the summer.  Incorporating new technology not only makes a class more enjoyable for the students, but it also reinvigorates me and adds new life into lessons I have taught over and over again.

So here’s to another class finished and so many great ideas for this next school year!

-Kate

And the GAME continues...

   I’m starting to get a bit frustrated with my first goal in my GAME plan.  I had set up a date to share a few technology tidbits with my colleagues but recently I was told it would have to wait until the fall.  I also am having trouble getting my department together to work on Mimio material and lesson plans.  I hope to remedy that this week (we have final exams) and the beginning of next in order to have a set plan for August. 

            

Because of the setbacks, I need to modify the timeline of the plan.  I had been hoping to share the information with other teachers at our final professional development day, but now it looks as if it will have to wait.  If anything, I’ve learned quite a bit of patience. J Nothing ever turns out the way we initially plan it, so I feel very silly having thought it would in the first place.  I also have several questions for the technology department at my school and would like to speak with our tech coordinator again.  I would like to know the allotted budget for technology ever year and maybe see some kind of overview of where the money has been spent over the last few years.  I think the high school has gone quite a long time without any updates and it would be interesting to see the break-down of the district-wide expenses.

            

On the other hand, my encouragement to other staff members seemed to go well.  I haven’t heard much discussion about it, but generally the staff seems to be in a better mood.  I am thinking of planning a few dates in the summer.  Perhaps a cookout where the staff is invited, or dinner on the first day we go back to school in August? I’m not really sure, but I’m still brainstorming different ways.  I’ve also thought about setting up observations with teachers observing teachers, so we can give constructive criticism and actually have someone who works with the same kids, offer up pointers in our classrooms.  I don’t know if I’m sold on this idea.

Thoughts?

-Kate