never too lost

You know that obsession you can get when you find a song you really like? It happens to me a lot.  Sometimes it’s a song on the radio, like Gotye’s hit “Somebody That I Used to Know” and I shush everyone so I can sing along.  No talking. None.

Well, it happened again, but this time I’m obsessed with an entire CD.  That almost NEVER happens. 

Let me explain…

This past weekend, I went down to Kentucky to visit my sister and it was so unbelievably refreshing.  On Saturday morning, we hiked up her ‘backyard’ to the top of a mountain.  We reached the top and sat up on a rock, basking in the sun while Kali scanned the trees for squirrels and deer.  

While up there, we talked about lots of things, but the topic that really stuck with me was that of faith and how I handled it while Tim was gone. 

Unfortunately, it’s been a rough road and I don’t like talking about it…

…I was born a restless child and I could hear the world outside calling me…

Last time he left, I grew so much closer to God and relied on Him to get through each day.  This training has been different; I’ve struggled to stay focused, prioritized just about everything above reading the Word and have let different situations fill my heart with bitterness and resentment.  I’ve been lost.  VERY lost.

*and heaven knows how hard I tried, but the devil whispered lies I believed*

I rely on the comforts I know and the safe places I’ve been before.  I seek reassurance from food and movies, cuddling with my dog, and relationships with other people.  I don’t like to move out of my comfort zone and trust something or someone other than myself.  Unfortunately, that’s not what we’re suppose to do.  I see my sister out there, beyond her own comfort zone, embracing the crazy path God set her on.  She has no fear because she trusts THAT MUCH. Isn’t that amazing?

Sometimes I feel brave…  I am Peter, walking towards Jesus on the water.  But then my eyes shift and I lose focus.  I am sinking beneath the water and I have nothing to blame but my own lack of faith.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me.”

Faith is such a bumpy road for me and when I get lost, I sometimes feel like just giving up.  Wouldn’t it be easier then starting over again?  But then something (or someone) always puts it in perspective for me.  I’m never truly lost anymore.  Three years ago, I joined ‘Team Jesus’ (as my sister puts it) and from that point on, no matter how lost I feel, I’m not too far away for Him.  He can still find me.  He can still mold me.  He can still comfort me. 

I just have to let Him.

So the CD… it has the songs I desperately need to hear.  I’ve been listening over and over again, letting the words sink into my skin.  The music soothes me and the words comfort me.  I am NOT alone. He’s still here… waiting for me. 

"On the shores of my soul I give you permission 

to wash my tears away

And take all my disappointment

Fill me with joy once again"